I wrote this almost a year ago and I feel like it is time to share it. Mainly because of the change that has taken place inside of me.
November 12, 2010
Is grace true? Is mercy something real? Is the change I long for realistic? Can I reach this person that I know I could be? I'm desperate for more. For something so fixed inside me that I simply can not contain it. I want more than a life with different masks. Constantly changing who I am to fit to whats around me. Constantly conforming to what they say I should be. To what they think is best. I'm searching for a light that hasn't been bright in quite some time. The fire is not burning, but simply wasting away. It is not giving off light, it is not sharing the warmth it was created for. It is simply still, surviving while dying. That is no way to live. I need you God. I've been fooling myself for months. Playing this game of tug of war. I'm tired of the games, and the constant string of excuses. I was made for so much more. You have planned so much more. I desire deep within to hear your voice, to know your touch, to witness your glory. Something deep within is tearing at the seems. It goes against all around me, all that been put into me. But it has to come out. God show me more. Help me to live a life worthy to touch someone else. Help me to have discipline to constantly search for you. I want to know you. I want to know your spirit. To be so bold in you that it makes a difference in someone else. Change me. Renew my heart and my mind. Without you I am simply a ghost. Not alive, but slowing fading. And that is not what I was made for. God may I simply trust you, not just in my circumstances. May you become so alive to me The passion inside that I once had was simply a flicker to what I long to be. Make a difference in me so I can make a difference for you.
Make me more than alive.
I'm sharing this now because lately I have been crying out, desperate to feel God's love. And I felt His love. I felt it surround me and renew me. I have seen His strength. The kind of strength that is from God and God alone. I have seen His goodness. And I have seen His faithfulness. God is so good! And sometimes I think we forget to praise Him and we continually ask and ask and ask. I praise God for His goodness and His healing. For His unconditional love and deliverance. Because no matter my circumstance, no matter how broken I am, God is worthy of praise!
Psalm 32:10 "... but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord."
